What’s hidden behind Hamptons’ hedges?
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- Join us for a trip to the Hamptons this weekend, a friend suggested on the phone.
I was naturally beside myself with joy. She’d rented a silver cabriolet, in which we would sit, wiggling our toes and enjoying the breeze, all the way down to Sag Harbour in The Hamptons. The actual trip, however, took us almost three hours at snail speed, stuck in a sizzling hot car queue – after suffering an extended interruption by the traffic police. It suddenly dawned on us that the cause of the great parking opportunities outside the lunch shop in Midtown was a sign saying “parking prohibited”. That oversight cost us 115 dollars on the spot. Grmf.
 
Not only champagne: Hamptons has more to it than jetset life and wild parties, like picturesque beach lines …
The Hamptons turned out to be a large area with many grand hedges, old men, pretty ladies and a lot of drugs, suits and cigars. We didn’t blend in as well as we thought, and when I found out that the house we were living in cost around 13.000 dollars to rent for a summer, I more or less choked on my sausage bread. This, by the way, being filled with lobster salad, the correct dish to have for lunch in The Hamptons, unless you’re invited to a morning party at a rich estate or to a charity event.
Calvin Klein: Here’s where the designer Calvin Klein is frolicking around every summer with 72 rooms to spare. The house was built in 1929 and has 60 bedrooms. Klein had to shell out 29,9 million dollars for his holiday nest, which is situated in Southampton.
In The Hamptons you must, which btw is the golden rule anywhere in New York, know someone who knows someone who knows someone to experience anything at all. It’s like a closed candy store for rich sweet-tooths. They shake their feathers at eachother, and are constantly competing to own the biggest hedges, houses and cars. Houses worth around 40 million dollars is totally normal. My friend, being especially good at relationship building, had made someone fix us VIP-tickets to the polo match Saturday morning. Noone watched the match. Everyone watched eachother, smiled false smiles, laughed out loud and drank pink champagne from straws. The dresses surpassed one another in extravagance and the hats cut through the crowd with their UFO-sized rims. From time to time cigar smoke curlicued through the air accompanied by the sound of an irritating commentator, whom everyone were trying to deafen. Btw, all the girls were in love with player number 2, who had a big fashion series in this week’s edition of The Hamptons – magazine.
 
Rule no. 1: What’s important is not to watch the polo game, but how you smoke your cigar.
In the evening we had dinner at the estate of one of the richest men in the world. He’s 76 years old and well known for having been an important player during several global, financial events. I was seated next to a 72 year old architect. He reminded me of the Godfather, and worked closely with Donald Trump, among others. After a share of dishes the butler told us that it was time for drinks in the garden. My only thought was how many Mexicans you’d need to keep all the hedges so freshly dressed, and if that gardener from Desperate Housewives would please come onto the scene.
No handsome gardener for me – and no wealthy, dying husband either. They say you haven’t really succeeded until you have your own jet airplane here. I think I’m much better off grounded, leaving men with jet-engine fetishes to spread their wings and flash their sparkly plumage in peace.
In vain: Randi and I try to blend in …
Worth visiting in The Hamptons:
West of the channel Shinnecock: Hampton Bays, Quogue and Westhampton (less pretentious)
Southampton: High hedges, old money
Bridgehampton: Trendy boutiques and restaurants
Sag Harbour: Village, Cape Cod-style
East Hampton: Long Island’s trendiest city
Montauk: The northernmost point – more laidback
Shelter Island: The miniature Hamptons
Spending the night:
American Hotel in Sag Harbour (210-355 dollars in the high season)
Bridgehamton Inn on the main street (310-450 dollars in the high season)
Gurney’s Inn Resort in Old Montauk (190-500 dollars in the high season)
Memory Motel on Montauk highway (95-120 dollars in the high season)
Mill House Inn in East Hampton (200-600 dollars in the high season)
Text and photo: Kjersti Flaa
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